fantasturbation

fantasturbation @ 2010-01-03T04:00:00

2010-01-03T10:00:09Z

I've been getting this weird sort of feeling some of the time, and I feel like I've been pretty composed and collected for the past few days. Washing my hair in the shower the little copper heart caught my eye and there was this tightness in my chest. I guess I wasn't sad, but it was something. Just this vacuum. A nothing? 3:45, make a wish. I haven't been having any of the normal breakup kind of feelings. No anger, not bitter, not really sad either.
What I have been feeling though is guilt, shame, some regret, a little insubstantial.
I suppose it's the gravitas of my current situation kicking in.
I've been distracted from the fact that I'm currently an overweight, balding, insecure, anxious, compulsive, criminal single parent with a loose support network in a place that's pretty dangerous for me. Ah well. Work on being good enough for myself and Reagan, and then I can work on being good enough for someone else. Words of the Week:Inadequacy, Progress.

fantasturbation @ 2010-01-01T14:16:00

2010-01-01T20:16:57Z

New Year's Resolutions
1:Stop letting my mom babysit Reagan.
2:Stay home and be quiet.
3:Hardcore work on potty training.
4:Stay single. I mean really Raymond. Come on.

fantasturbation @ 2009-12-27T23:39:00

2009-12-28T05:39:38Z

FOOD POISONING. Again. Damn it! I suck at not killing myself. Pretty alright day, vomit aside. Sat around and watched astro-boy, Travis mostly looked after Reagan. Amy came over a bit later.
Reagan is pretty funny around her. She's either trying to steal me away, or steal Amy away, or she just sits between us and it's pretty cute. She was definitely getting some jealousy on today though. REALLY REAGAN? Come onnnnnn. She was being extra sweet to Travis for most of the day, so that was nice. Really looking forward to new years. Should be fun.

Episode 11:The Girl Is Too Good For Me.

2009-12-23T10:33:37Z

Amy has been such a good thing to me today. It's pretty nice waking up to her. She got super along with my mom today, which was kind of scary. Then we got back home with Reagan, and she read Reagan a story and then sang to her to put her to bed.. THEN she went all crisis hotline on what is apparently our lesbian, mentally handicapped neighbor with an abusive mother. 0.0
Then she didn't make me feel like shit when I was extra depressed about nothing in particular. Which is a big deal to me. I have some pretty terrible associations with trying to open up emotionally to SO's over the past couple years. Things are looking good. I'm going to fist fight the future.

Episode 5:The Gang Has A Party.

2009-12-20T18:02:46Z

So we've been pretty wholesome since I moved down here. By the way, I moved to Florida. THAT HAPPENED. So I'm here, me and Travis are doing fine, and it's all pretty dope. Boss. Rad. So we kind of had a party last night! It was mostly quiet, minus the techno, managed to see a lot of people. No drahmah, so that's nice. Hopefully I can see more of that. Oh well. Kind of hung over.

fantasturbation @ 2009-12-12T14:34:00

2009-12-12T19:35:04Z

Oh, courage wolf. Givin' me the courage to keep on keepin' on.

fantasturbation @ 2009-12-04T23:58:00

2009-12-05T04:58:43Z

Things are moving alongggggg.
Outside of a few bumps, things are basically coming along at about pace. Still feels like I'm trapped here, but at least I know everything is in motion, gears, the big wheel, the machine, whatever productivity metaphor you choose. Things is doin'.
Got a new phone, that's always good. Makes me feel like a real person. Plus it's nice to not have to share a phone when either of us spend most of the day texting our respective love squeezins.
I had to mail a letter to a judge the other day. It was lame. I felt like I was writing an apology letter in school or something.
"Dear Judge I have learned my lesson and I promise I will never felony again."
FFFFFFFFFFFFFffffffffffffff
I've been spending way too much time browsing etsy, thinking about how I'm going to decorate the new apartment. IT'S GOING TO BE GRAND I AM SOOOOO HAPPY.
Changes changes changes.
I think I'm making the new year my new official starting point for everything. Turn the pages, end this chapter, etc. NOT THAT IT WAS TOTALLY TERRIBLE, but...... You know I'm pretty ready for it all to be over. Ok, it was mostly kind of terrible. But I'm not blaming anyone but myself.
That seems fair.
Cliff notes, tl;dr version
New place to live, new people (person? Yeah mostly person) to love, new lease on not being on probation and fretting about going to jail every five minutes.
New Year = Start of New Chapter. (Bear in mind that I have never had any relevant changes going on in my life around new years, so this is novel to me.)
Etsy, for all my rocket punching zombie scarecrow needs.

fantasturbation @ 2009-12-02T15:02:00

2009-12-02T20:02:57Z

Class C hipster- likes things that he perceives to be different or cool, but still gets the majority of the things he likes to from the radio and TV. These sorts are usually nice kids. They love Radiohead, Arcade Fire, Spoon and Feist. They dislike popular mainstream acts. Many of their peers like Pussycat Dolls and such. They feel superior to these kids.

Class B Hipster- Likes things that "belong to them." They no longer trusts the radio or TV to reccomend things. Instead, they dig deeper into the internet, go to a lot of small shows and get plenty of advice from other cool people to find new things to enjoy. These kids still have respect for "elder statesmen" bands who got them into this whole mess. Class B hipsters don't dislike anything too strongly. Its at this point that they are willing to go back and appreciate Little Wayne or give Justin Timberlake a fair shake.

Class A Hipster- Doesn't like anything. The search for new music has them scraping the bottom of the barrel. They cling to anything new and different with little regard for wether they really enjoy it or not in order to keep their reputation as "hip" amongst friends. These kids treat mainstream indie bands like "dad music" or "passe" or "frat music" in order to elevate themselves above other hipsters. They feel compelled to like extremely trite mainstream music just to shock friends and so that they can prove they aren't a hipster in a pinch. They go to concerts to be seen and probably spend most of it talking or looking around at who else is there. They probably do coke. They are probably almost ready to backlash against Animal Collective or whoever is starting to get too much attention.

Stereogum is a pretty fun place.

fantasturbation @ 2009-11-06T04:44:00

2009-11-06T09:48:12Z

Made it to the gym today. :D God I don't even know what to put in this thing most of the time, except for that I'm in a really good mood. Things are looking really good. I'm just trying to keep my eye on the ball, visualize the plane, whatever it is those people say when they're talking about psyching yourself up for good things on the horizon. KEEP POSITIVE EVERYONE.

fantasturbation @ 2009-11-05T02:39:00

2009-11-05T07:45:43Z

Reagan woke me up at about... 11 this morning? Not so bad. We lazed around and watched some scooby doo movies, good times. Amanda came home sick and was basically being a sick bitch. She is really bad at being sick! Some people you are like, "Aw, you're sick, let me take care of you," but Amanda.....not so much. Oh well! Some people are good at some things, and some people are not.
Really excited to get back down to florida, someday, somehow. Making plans, talking to people, ready to gooooo, but it's not going to be tomorrow. Still probation to finish off, still finding a place to live, still a lot of things to consider. It'll be fun, though. I'm really looking forward to a lot of things. Or a couple of things. Or a lot of things, in a few categories. Work that around however you might, and it still equals me being excited to get back home, and start doing my own thing again. Me and Reagan are going to have fun. I want to bring her to goofy golf pretty bad. She could almost goofy golf... maybe.... right? At least it'd be cool to look at for her. She's been doing this thing where she climbs the back of my chair and covers my eyes and goes "Heyyyyyy daddddy" and it is so fucking cute. Maybe we'll go to the park tomorrow.

fantasturbation @ 2009-11-04T01:41:00

2009-11-04T06:47:36Z

Had a pretty decent day! Stayed up way too late talking way too much, but it's totally worth it.
Slept in a little bit, but then made it to probation. Probation officer wasn't a cunt today, I had all my paperwork in line, things are looking good for the future, in a lot of ways.
Mountain Goats and Final Fantasy? MAYBE. MIGHT DO THAT. MIGHT BE AWESOME.
Ever have one of those things where you want to talk about it but you're afraid that if you talk about it you might ruin it? Oh well! I am a rolling ball of positivity, nothing can stop my momentum! Lined up to have a good night nerding and broing with my main bro Keef, that'll be refreshing. :D
Oh well I hate drowning everyone in sunshine so...... I should start regularly updating so I don't get all backed up on feeling good.

fantasturbation @ 2009-11-01T15:44:00

2009-11-01T20:44:49Z

I might just head to Florida as soon as probation is over. Blah. I want to be down there now.

fantasturbation @ 2009-10-29T18:46:00

2009-10-29T22:47:57Z

On a ridiculously cute note, Reagan climbed in her stroller today and was like "Let's go! Grandma's! Let's go!" Oh yeah let's walk to grandmas. fffff

fantasturbation @ 2009-10-28T22:13:00

2009-10-29T02:16:32Z

My internet needs to automatically disable itself when I start feeling like this.

fantasturbation @ 2009-10-27T15:14:00

2009-10-27T19:17:44Z

Ugh. I looked in the mirror after the shower today. I am the oxford english dictionary definition of "Before Picture." Let us see what we can do about that. On the plus side, the gym was empty. Got on the bike. Techno music ooonts oooonts oooonts.
For some reason I can't post to facebook. Bizarre. Finger's crossed on making it threw the day without eating anything but celery. I can dooooo eeet.
I need more casiotone for the painfully alone in my life.

fantasturbation @ 2009-10-27T10:42:00

2009-10-27T15:04:40Z

Got back from probation! It went alright. He was just mad I wasn't paying money to florida, I guess, and they're thinking about issuing a warrant. But I talked to them, so it's ok. I had to take a drug test, and once I got done SHITTING MYSELF IN FEAR it all turned out ok as well. Joyous occasion! Day one of alternate day calorie restriction has commenced. All of the fucking fast food ads on the way home were taunting me. Damn them.
"howlingfantod: lol
Get you some baloney biscuit, I tell you what"
Fuckkkkkkk. Oh well. Listened to Digitalism on the ride there! Made me feel like a rock star.
Hmmmm. Well I guess that's it. I feel like I should close with a poem or a short story, what with all that kind of shit that has been going on lately. So maybe I'll do one later, right?

fantasturbation @ 2009-10-26T20:09:00

2009-10-27T00:10:19Z

I need a new keyboard for this computer something awful. And I need to download more music on it.

I've got to break free.

2009-10-26T13:18:25Z

What a crazy week. I wish it hadn't turned into such a trainwreck once I found out I had to leave early, but it was all pretty gorgeous in a special way. Art Brut was fucking amazing. Aye May Zing. What a spectacular show. Wish I'd gotten some pictures, but honestly, I'm not going to need them, the whole experience is going to be etched into my head forever. The same can not be said of most of the other days I spent there! Drinking too much maybe. Friday night was pretty epic. What a time. Oh well. The bus ride home was pretty weird, I actually lost my tickets before I even got on the bus, but it was all weird, and I rode on kindness the whole way up here. People are pretty nice sometimes! I spent a lot of time thinking on the bus. I've been thinking a lot the past couple of days. Ever have one of those epiphanies where it feels like everything makes sense and you're kind of motivated to live life again? Been getting some of those, they're pretty great. Thinking about the people that matter to me, the people that I matter to, deciding what I want to do with my life. I need to open some doors though. Hopefully the coming days will offer me some more answers. Me and Amanda had our first legitimate not screaming conversation about a separation. It'll be nice for both of us to move on. Overall, really happy.

fantasturbation @ 2009-06-22T03:27:00

2009-06-22T07:29:40Z

Dear Diary.
Went to bonnaroo. It was fun. Saw a bunch of bands that I had been wanting to see. Made new friends.
Started playing wow again, fought voltron, good times.
Feeling distanced from people, that I think I thought cared about me. It kind of makes sense, because I am distanced from them, you see. Oh wellllll.

fantasturbation @ 2009-06-07T13:48:00

2009-06-07T17:52:56Z

Raymond: Oh well.
Girls are dumb man. :P

howlingfantod: I still hate having to be mean to them, though

Raymond: They need healing and perspective, Davey.

howlingfantod: I wish they could speak another language.

That didn't involve backhands

fantasturbation @ 2009-05-07T02:04:00

2009-05-07T06:07:04Z

Ore wa....

Ughuuuuu.
I need to walk tomorrow. I made some bangin' meatballs today. They were great.
Headin' on down to florida comin' up here real soon like, that'll be great.

fantasturbation @ 2009-05-04T18:26:00

2009-05-04T22:27:17Z

I've been assaulted by McCafe ads today.
FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T REALLY LIKE COFFEE BUT WANT TO DO THEIR ICE CREAM UP SO THEY DON'T LOOK LIKE COWS.

fantasturbation @ 2009-04-22T00:33:00

2009-04-22T04:35:17Z

skullpanda: 2010
Jesus that sounds so
Futureeeee
Say it aloud
Twenty Ten.
Where are my robo maids
where are my flying cars
it was all a lie

True facts. Amanda left an issue of Metropolitan Home in the bathroom. I picked it up and read it. It had an interview with Armani in it. What am I doing with my life.

fantasturbation @ 2009-04-16T04:12:00

2009-04-16T08:17:04Z

So I went to this cute bar where they have an all you can eat lowcountry broil(boil?) on wednesdays.
It was pretty bitching, sirs.
I had a bunch of corn cobs and sausages and crab and shrimps and the guy making it all was pretty nice too and there was a band and I had high gravity beer and jello shots and got to smoke my capri menthols while eating. It was basically the most bossest of things.
Eating shrimp and sausage cooked fresh for you, with a tasty beer, and a cigarette hanging out of your mouth.
I think I have found the part of being in south carolina that I like.
I am so doing that every wednesday night.

PEOPLE YOU MIGHT KNOW

2009-04-07T20:29:38Z

I hate the "people you might know" feature on myspacefacebook.
It's either people you don't know that well and it would be totally awkward to friend them OR
PEOPLE YOU DON'T LIKE.
Joyous occasion.
I had a great walk with Reagan.
She was in her new stroller and I was listening to Lycanthropy, so I ended up going from a walk to a run and singing To the lighthouse to her, and she had a great time.
It was a pretty great thing, I must say.
On a side note, Reagan is going to be a pretty confused kid when she gets to kindergarten.
In the best way, that is.